Test Anxiety

I KNOW we're limitless, eternal beings only imprisoned by the limitations of our own minds. I KNOW we're powerful creators, because we're of God and how can he make us any less? I KNOW of our powerful capacity to heal ourselves and others.  I KNOW we are guided, assisted, loved and never alone. I KNOW love is the only thing that's real and everything else is just an illusion to guide us to love. I tell everybody around me that. I tell myself that. And yet when I was recently brought face to face with that reality, instead of rejoicing in that truth, I froze. Fear, doubt and suspicion came rushing at me and I wanted to hide. I've spent the last several days trying to dig myself out of the hole I've buried myself in.

The best analogy for my experience would be like studying for a test. You study your butt off, read all the books, watch all the videos, pay attention in class and feel like you understand the theory behind it all. You've taken little quizzes here and there and it ain't no thang. You even help some of your classmates out when they have trouble figuring something out. And yet when the final comes along, you blank out. You look around the room and there's people with fancy calculators and note cards ready that you didn't know you could use.  And you throw an internal tantrum. "They want me to do WHAT?!" "But that shit's hard!" (even though what you're being tested on is exactly what you studied) "I don't think I can do it. I'm not good enough."  And you debate whether to just twiddle your thumbs for the remainder of the test or whether you should just go ahead and give it a try. You take a few deep breaths (or twenty) and peek at the first question. Take another deep breath and it starts to come back to you. Then somebody tells you that you can ask your neighbor for help if you need to. 

This is the point where I'm at. I've been having an internal freak out the last several days over the realization that I'm being asked to walk my talk and what a seemingly huge task that seems to be. I kind of want to wave a flag and say, "Just kidding! Benjamin Franklin was right- give me death and taxes. Let me put my blinders back on, hop back in the rat race full force and work my butt off to pay my mortgage until I die. Maybe take a week vacation every two years if I'm lucky." But I can't. 

I know that whatever I need to know to take the test is already in me, just waiting for me to remember. And it feels good to know that there's people with fancy calculators, cool mnemonic devices, tips and note cards whom I can tap on the shoulder to ask for help. And hopefully I'll have more time to complete the test than rumored. But it's still up to me to actually open up the test and take it. Here we go... 

I think I'm going to be sick. 🙊