Getting comfortable with awkward silences
I hate awkward silences. That's why I don't usually like having phone conversations or mingling with people in real life. But the last few months life has felt like one extended awkward silence and it's shown me how necessary they can be.
A teacher whom I look up to has taught me that the key to fully living our piece of the puzzle is simply dancing with what presents. The months leading up to May seemed like an awesome, completely engaging conversation with the Universe. We were engaged in an energetic back and forth discussion where I'd pose a question and it would present me with an answer. I'd offer it my ideas and it presented me with opportunities to get there. Our volley was running at a steady energetic pace and it laid out a trail in front of me and all I had to do was say yes to what came up. New directions to take my career? Yes, please. An open position to give me time to explore all those options? Grabbed it. There was such a strong burst of energy and support where everything seemed to align to give me what I wanted, then all of a sudden things slowed to a standstill. The path that was so clearly laid out disappeared and all I could see around me was open space. No clearly defined trails for me to follow, no signs directing me where to go, no problems that I could actively fix (oh, there are issues, but nothing I had control over). So, what to do?
With nothing presenting, just like with awkward silences, I was left to marinate in my own thoughts and feelings, which left me feeling uncomfortable at first. Thoughts and ideas kept swimming in my head but lacked the spark, the push, the A-HA! that was so strongly present before. And just like in a conversation, I tried to fill the awkward silence with small talk- I tried to force myself to take action, trying to make a path where I thought there should be one. Instead, I found myself right back where I started- in an awkward silence. I asked questions and looked to my usual teachers for answers and guidance, but they themselves seemed to be going through their own Universe-dispensed periods of necessary downtime. No answers there. So I was forced to just sit in the open space and go through the motions.
In that lull, I was given opportunities to fully absorb the lessons and ideas I've accepted as truths. I felt stuck, hence the athlete's foot(which according to Louise Hay stems from a limiting belief that one is unable to move forward with ease). Although I knew that, I couldn't just snap my fingers and undo that belief. The more that I tried to force it to get better, the worse it got. The less that I stressed about having to do something (both about the athlete's foot and just life in general), the better it got. It's still there, but it's much better. I'm realizing that I'm exactly where I need to be, perfectly who I need to be, with the exact set of skills I'm supposed to have at this moment, with all the answers I'm looking for to be the piece of the puzzle The Universe put me here to be. I don't always have to have an answer for others and I shouldn't carry other people's problems as my own. To be in a continuous state of not knowing is the only way to let answers come through.
And that's how I realized what awkward silences are for- to allow you to pause and be still enough to fully absorb the ideas, answers and questions from your previous dialogue; to allow you to open your eyes, ears and heart so you'll be truly receptive once the questions and answers starts flowing and the conversation picks up again... And to smile, nod your head and marvel at how beautifully blessed you are to even be engaged in the conversation.