I started 2014 with so much potential. I had visions of what I wanted to do and I had so much creative energy to release. I wanted 2014 to be all about accepting myself- everything that's awesome, along with everything else that's not so awesome. I didn't care what people thought about me and I was adamant about doing me. I don't know what happened to all that confidence, but 2014 has been so uncomfortable for me. I'll give myself credit for putting myself out there. I've started a home business trying to spread awareness about something I feel passionate about.
I've put my ideas, beliefs, and creations out there and although many have told me that they love my ideas and concepts, I've been having trouble figuring out logistics to execute all these ideas that are swimming in my head. And it doesn't help that I can't help but equate $$ with validation of my hard work. I keep calculating the amount of time I spend on my personal business with how much I would be getting paid hourly at my day job (night job, actually) and it's nowhere close to what I feel like I should be getting paid. They say do what you love but my mom taught me early on to get a well-paying career so I can afford to do the things that I love. When I think about it, I should be more than content- I have a well-paying career that is both meaningful and also allows me to do things that I love, good health, wonderful kids, an awesome life-partner, a home to call our own, and all of our basic needs met (and then some). I feel guilty for wanting more. I'm so ambivalent about this entrepreneur thing. As much as I love my job, I can think of at least a dozen things I'd rather get paid to do on a nursing salary than reason with confused and agitated people, clean poop and other yummy bodily fluids, and risk my back to lift a 70lb thigh to get a closer look at (and inadvertently, smell) somebody's nether regions. I haven't been filled with this much self-doubt in a long while. I feel like I'm discouraging myself and I'm losing sight of why I wanted to do this, to begin with. I know I need to change my mind-set (and, yes, GI Joe. I know that knowing is half the battle). Doing it is the hard part. I still have the rest of 2014 to turn things around.