My many me-s

I don't think there is a single person out there who really knows all of me. I get a lot of , "Oh, I didn't know you were so smart!"s or "Oh my Gahd, you are so dirty!  I thought you were so innocent and polite.  I've never even heard you say a bad word. Did that really just come out of your mouth?!"s or "Really?! You do that to your kids? I can not picture you doing/saying that." I can't help it. I've got many me-s.

 My patients usually get the saint in me. I am one of the most patient and gentle nurses, and I'm honestly not trying to brag. I spoil their asses. Literally. As your nurse, I will stand by your bedside and decipher your doped up handwriting for an hour to try and figure out what you're trying to say because you have a tube stuck down your throat. I will spend a good part of an hour with my hand up your butt just to get a rectal tube positioned exactly right so your diarrhea doesn't burn through your skin.  I will bathe you like a baby every single night and console you with my touch and my voice. Both of you.  I will fight for you and your wishes, whatever they might be. And whether you can hear me or not, breathing or not, as long as you're under my care, I will respect you and talk to you like a normal human being.  Even though I've always taken pride in caring for my patients as if they were my own family, the fact is, they're not. I've always kept an emotional distance.  Out of all the patients who have passed away during my care, I've only teared twice. And it was only enough tears in my eyes to make them shimmer but not enough to spill over my lower eyelid. And yet the exact second I laid eyes on my Grandma intubated in the ICU after her stroke, I lost it. Bawled my eyes out.

Strangers and minor acquaintances get the polite and quiet me.  I don't say much. I don't usually have a reason to.

Friends get the raunchy me.  The gutter Char. The 13 yr old teenage boy Char who thinks anything and everything is related to sex and is hilarious.  We might even share an unhealthy vice together.

Really REALLY good friends/family get the above and then some. The vulnerable me. The crying Char. The frustrated Char. The guilty me. The exasperated me. The insecure me. 

My immediate family, however, gets the worst of me. They get the bossy me. The bitchy me. The tired me. The yell-y me. The judgmental me. The control freak. This, I'm ashamed of.  But they're the only ones I can show that side to who won't run away. Yeah, it might be because they don't have a choice, but still. They're still here. Maybe the huggy me keeps them here.  But she doesn't come out as often anymore.  The silly me comes out sometimes when I shower with my 5yr old, but I don't know how much longer we can keep the shower dates going and I definitely can't have shower dates with my 14yr old. And I don't think they really see the fun me, because compared to their dad, I'm definitely boring.  I need to change this ratio, although I'm not sure how.

The hun gets a lil' bit of the above and a few extras. Gotta give him a reason to stick around, right? He gets a lil' bit of the funny, a lil' of the nice. He gets a lot of the raunchy, a lot of the nerd (especially the grammar/spelling/lyric nazi), some of the vulnerable and a lot of the bitchy. He gets a lot of the huggy me and the sexy me, although the amount varies depending on the time of month and our stress levels. But he still doesn't know all of me.

There's still the dreamer Char, who's trying to find a voice of her own.  The entrepreneur Char, who I haven't really gotten to know yet, myself.  The adventure Char, who's pretty shy. And the Gahd Damn You're Friggin' Sick in the Head, That's Just Nasty, I Didn't Even Know That Was Possible :::VOMIT::: Char.  She's hidden pretty deep. I don't think y'all want to know her.

The closest thing I can think of who can come close to knowing me is the internet. There's pieces of me scattered here and there. My pictures, my thoughts, my emails I've never had the courage to send, drafts I've never finished, my puns, my old journals, my plans, my heartbreaks.  I don't really expect anybody to know all of my me-s, because I'm still trying to piece her together myself.   But it certainly feels good when somebody tries.  


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